Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dave's breif ( yet amazingly concise) biblical History lesson 101

Let us clear up this nonsense once and for all, so all those stupid Islamics can understand the truth.

1. Adam was created out of some mud and had breath blown up his nostrils, or some opening or other cavity, or some such. God decided Adam needed a main squeeze, so he pinched one of Adams ribs and made Eve. (Personally I reckon it was the other way around, seeing as woman gives birth to men and all, but anyways, that is another story.)

2. Lots of things happened. People marrying and mating with their own family members and having kids. (Which is probably illegal, but considering there were no police, no one got arrested) Animals being loaded onto arks two at a time and the world being destroyed by floods. You know, the usual sorts of things.

3. Anyway, a long, long time later, after someone begot someone else and they begot lots of begots and everyone was begotting all over the place, Abraham was born.
4. Abraham shacked up with Hagar (not an Israelite), an Egyptian servant belonging to Sarah his wife (who was an Israelite). That child's name was Ishmael. Apparently, Ishmael's descendants became the Islamics, through Muhammad, the false prophet of the false god, Allah.

Abraham had another child, a miracle child, with his wife Sarah (who was an Israelite and was too old to bare children). That child's name was Isaac, who was the father of Jacob, who became the father of Israel.

5. Then after many years of being captive in Egypt along came Moses.
Moses led the Hebrews out of captivity in Egypt and along the way, revelation was revealed to Moses concerning God's commandments, blah blah blah...

6. The Hebrews (Israelites) walked through the desert, and then settled in the God promised land, which has from then on, and is now, Israel and never was Palestine. (The Romans called Israel, Palestine) The "Philistines" lived in the land of Israel but no longer inhabit that region. The (so called) Palestinians (a name they stole from the Philistines) have NO blood ties with the Philistines, have NO entitlement to the land which belonged, belongs and shall always belong to the God of the Israelites, Yahweh and promised, for all time, to the Israelites.

7. There were lots of Judges and Kings and David kicked the ass of a Giant and yadda yadda...

8. The descendants of Isaac, Israelites or "Jews" ( A term used by the Romans, again) were constantly harassed and then ultimately exiled from Israel. During this time, they settled in other lands, with the God promise of one day returning and resurrecting Israel. ( God's promise to the descendants of Isaac was fulfilled and Israel became an Israeli nation again in 1948)

9. The slanderous, blasphemous Islamics, who's false god is Allah, who attempt to claim Israel for themselves, will inevitably fail miserably and will be punished, by the one true God, Yahweh. As it is written in the ancient Hebrew texts, ( the text which was written thousands of years before Islam) the promised land of Israel belongs to the one true God, Yahweh.

And that's basically it in a nut shell. Islam sucks balls and will burn in hell, as promised in the bible. :D

Shit, I hope I got it right this time. :P


  1. U've got ur timelines wrong - Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac (approx. 1800 - 1700 BCE) were way before Moses. The exodus was agruably in 1313BCE.
    The rest of your note is great reading. Way to Go!

  2. Hehehe, yeah your right. It's been a loooong time since I read the bible.

    The only problem now is, I have to go re-do the article, God damn it. :D